Thank You For Loving Me

Today is a day to give thanks to your family, friends, and even to God for all of the wonderful things in your life.  I think that gratitude is a feeling that doesn’t get expressed enough in our relationships.  Expressing your gratitude to your spouse can really help to strengthen the bond that the two of you share.  What are you thankful for?

Here are a few things you might want to express to your spouse:

• Thank you for sharing your life with me.  Even when I am cranky and disagreeable.  Even when it would be easier to walk away. 
• Thank you for giving me our children.  Our family is the most important part of my life.  I love the fact that we have created this beautiful family.
• Thank you for supporting me.  Your encouragement and support mean the world to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life.
• Thank you for loving me.  Your love carries me through the tough times.  Your love is “home” to me.  I would choose you all over again.

Of course, feel free to use your own words to tell your partner that you love and appreciate him.  It is a good idea to take the time to let your partner know that he is special. 

Use Thanksgiving as a reminder to add this exercise of gratitude to your daily life.  Your relationship will thank you for it.

Sex Before Marriage?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever waits to have sex until the wedding night anymore.  Is sexuality a gift you give to your spouse or is it something you give to anyone that you love?   What is your opinion?

Reasons to Wait

I think that there is something very special about giving yourself to only one person.  Knowing that you are giving your body, mind, and spirit is magical.  You could be his only lover and he could be yours.  You know that he won’t ever be comparing you to any other woman. You learn and you grow together.  Both of you need to be open to exploration and learning.

Reasons to Not Wait

Many men and women feel that it is not smart to wait until marriage.  You need to “test drive” your partner to know if you are sexually compatible.  If you don’t click sexually, you move on to someone else.  Hopefully you find someone that you are compatible with mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

Conclusion

In every relationship, the sex usually starts out amazing.  But with time, the passion can fade.  Both partners, regardless if you waited or not, need to be willing to try new things and to learn how to make sex better.  This is where commitment comes into the equation.

Lessons Learned from “The Bachelor”

This week millions of us watched as Bachelor Brad chose to walk away from two women.  We hoped that he would find his true love.  Many of you have your own opinions on who he should have chosen, why he didn’t choose, and what kind of man that makes him. 

I, personally, respect him for walking away if he didn’t find a true connection with either woman.

Here are 5 lessons to be learned from watching “The Bachelor“:

1. Recreational dating is good.  Recreational dating is when you date many people at once to find out what it is you are looking for.  This is meant to be fun and to help you narrow down your search in finding someone to date exclusively.
2. Emotional involvement with 2 or more people isn’t wise.  When you begin to develop real feelings for someone, it is smart to only be involved with one person.  Otherwise, you get too confused and you can’t make a choice.
3. Rejection isn’t always about you.  When someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean that you are unattractive, unlovable, or a bad person.  It simply means that this person isn’t right for you.
4. When one door closes, another one opens.  You will never find your soul mate if you are in a relationship with the wrong person.  Sometimes rejection is just what you need to be able to find the right person for you.
5. Follow your heart.  No matter what the outcome, you need to follow your heart.  Bachelor Brad knew himself well enough to know that neither one of these women were right for him. 

Fear of Love

Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner seems to be everything that you have ever looked for?  You click in every way; mental, emotional, and sexual.  Could this be your fairytale, your happy ending?

There is only one problem.  You are waiting for something to go wrong.  You are looking for reasons to run away.  You just know that you will be hurt. 

Fear of Being Hurt

When you have been hurt in the past, those old fears and feelings can be triggered by this new love.  It is a very big risk to open your heart again and allow yourself to be vulnerable.  This person has the ability to hurt you in ways that you can’t even imagine.  The reason that they have this power is because you love him/her.

Get Out of Your Own Way

Simply put, the only way to say it is you need to get out of your own way.  You need to stop allowing fear to control your life.  If you live from this place of fear, you will never find that happiness that you have been longing for.

If you are in a relationship, let it go to the next level.  Let it grow and develop.  If you are single, take a chance on someone.  Go out on a date, have fun.

If you never open your heart again, you will stay stuck in the past for the rest of your life.  Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith even if you don’t see the safety net. 

Love like you have never been hurt.

My Wife is Unhappy

A friend of mine loves to tell the story of his divorce to every man he meets.  He seems to think that he has it all figured out. 

The story goes like this:  If your wife ever tells you the three magic words, “I am unhappy”, you better pack up your stuff because the storm is coming.  At this point, he makes a joke of the divorce, but I know that he was very hurt and that he tried everything in his power to make it better.

What Does It Mean When She Says “I’m Unhappy”?

He had asked me “What does it mean when a woman says she is unhappy”?  In plain terms it means, She’s Unhappy!  In my professional opinion, it means that her needs aren’t being met in the marriage.

There could be any number of things that aren’t right for her in this marriage.  The only way that you are going to find out what she needs is to ask her.  I know that this can be something very scary, it can also make you feel as though you aren’t a good partner.  The truth of the matter is, when she tells you this, she is giving you a chance to correct the problem.

You need to find out what is missing.  Is it quality time together, words of appreciation, passion in your lovemaking?  If you aren’t able to work it out on your own, it is a good idea to find a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach to help.

Saying “I Love You”

How do you say I Love You?  Some people say it with words.  Some people say it with cards and flowers.  Still others say it with actions. 

Just as we all have our own way to say I love you, we all have our own way of feeling loved.  What should you do if your spouse doesn’t show you love the way you need them to?  An example is a wife that needs to hear her husband say he loves her.  She needs to hear him tell her the reasons for his love.  She needs to be told that he thinks she is beautiful.  She feels loved through words. 

Now, the husband loves her very much, but he doesn’t know how to express it in words.  He shows that he loves her by working hard to support their family.  The more he works, the more neglected and unloved she feels.  He wants them to have a good life and have the things they desire.  This is his love.

In order to have a successful marriage, you need to show love to your partner in the way in which they feel loved.  This is sometimes difficult.  You might need to step out of your comfort zone.  In the case of this husband, he would need to learn a new set of skills; emotional awareness and expression.  I know that it is scarey, but if you want your spouse to feel your love you need to first find out what says “I love you” to them.

Relationship Help: Feeling Close

Are you wondering why your lover feels so far away?  Do you just not feel close any more?  This happens at different times throughout the life of a relationship.  First and foremost, this needs to be seen as a reminder, a wake-up call to get back on track.  If you let this go on for too long, you will find yourself living as roommates, with no real intimacy between you. 

Steps to Feel Close Again

1. Start Talking.  I don’t mean daily chit chat.  I mean real conversation about your hopes and dreams.  Where do you want your life to go?  Who are you now at this point in your life?  What do you want to accomplish?
2. Spend Quality Time.  Couples need to spend at least 10 hours per week connecting.  I know that seems like a lot because everyone has jobs and kids, etc.  BUT if you want a great marriage, find the time.  Put the kids to bed early, get a babysitter for the night.  Find some time for love.
3. Touch Your Sweetheart.  Showing physical affection (holding hands, rubbing her back, etc)  releases something in your body called oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding chemical.  It makes you feel close to another person.

A healthy relationship needs to be nurtured.  It needs to be given time and attention.  When your relationship becomes your priority, just look at how great your life can be. 

Sex Tips: Sharing Your Fantasies

Everyone fantasizes.  You do.  I do.  Your partner does.  The thing about fantasies is knowing when it is safe to act them out and when they should just stay in your mind. 

Women aren’t always comfortable with having fantasies.  As a woman, you are often taught that thinking about sex is wrong and that “good girls” don’t want sex.  This can be very confusing to women.  It can also make it difficult to share your thoughts with your husband. 

It is completely normal and natural for both men and women to fantasize about sex. 

 Some common fantasies are:

• Having sex in public.  If this is one of your fantasies, you need to be careful.  You need to be aware that you can be arrested for public sex. 
• Having a threesome.  This is a very common male fantasy.  If both partners are open to it and neither one is the jealous type, it could work.  BUT I want you to be aware that it can cause serious damage to a relationship.  Women worry that their husband will want the other woman more than he wants her.  Women also worry that the other woman’s body is better or that she is a better lover.  If there are any insecurities, this isn’t a good idea.
• Same sex fantasies.  Same sex fantasies are very normal for both men and women.  You may think about what it would feel like, how you would do it, etc.  This doesn’t mean that you have any gender identity issues, it just means you are curious.

All in all, fantasies are normal.  They are part of a healthy, happy sexual relationship.  Feel free to share your fantasies with your partner and maybe they will come true.

Sexual Variety

Variety is a very important part of your sexual relationship.  Variety will keep your sex life from becoming boring and predictable.  If you had your favorite meal everyday, you would get tired of that too. 

It is a good idea to try new ideas, new positions, and new places when making love.  Every guru around tells you to experiment and to be open sexually.  That doesn’t mean that you have to buy sex toys or invite someone new into your bed.  These things can be very far out of someones comfort zone.

Trying Something New

An easy way to bring variety into your love life is to make love in places other than your bed.  Remember when you were young and you made-out, half-dressed on the couch?  Try that again.  Make love in every room of your home.  Make love on the tumble dryer.  Steam up the windows of your car.  If you have children, you will need to use some creativity.

Another way to change things up is to buy a book of sexual positions.  If you are too shy to go to the bookstore, there are many on-line stores selling these books.  Find a few positions that look like fun.  Choose a new one each time you make love.  If you already have your favorite position, alternate with the new ones.

The third tip I have for you is to use a silk scarf or a man’s tie.  Either one of these items can be used as a blindfold for your lover.  Cover his eyes and explore his body.  Let him tell you what feels good and how he likes to be touched.

Use your imagination and have fun!

Emotional Affair

An emotional affair is a form of infidelity that doesn’t ever have to become physical or sexual.  It can start out completely innocent, but it can ruin marriages and break-up families.  It is important to know what exactly an emotional affair is.

Signs of an Emotional Affair

• You have strong feelings for this person.
• You confide in this person instead of in your spouse.
• You look forward to spending time together.
• You begin looking for ways to spend time or bump into each other accidentally.
• Your energy is being pulled away from your family and being given to someone else.
• Your daydream about this other person.

Ending the Affair

If you are involved in an emotional affair and you want to save your marriage, you need to end the affair.  This can be extremely difficult because there are usually very strong feelings involved.  This isn’t about sex.  You actually love this other person.

The only way to save your marriage is to end the affair cold-turkey.  You need to walk away and never look back.  There cannot be any contact with this person.  Any contact can bring your feelings flooding back.  This will more than likely be painful.  You will grieve this relationship. 

Just remember that you can move on and rekindle the love that you share with your spouse.  It will take time and attention, but it will be worth it.