Sexual Resolutions for the New Year

Yesterday I wrote about resolutions that you can use to create a more loving relationship.  Today I would like to focus on one specific topic affecting all relationships:  sexuality.

Take a look at your sex life with your partner.  Is it everything that you want it to be?  Is there some part that you think could use a little improvement?  Here are a list of  resolutions that you might make for your own sex life.

1. I will take responsibility for my own sexual desire.  It is important to know what things create desire in yourself.  What turns you on?  Do you think sexy thoughts about your partner to get in the mood?  Do you like to read steamy novels or watch erotic films?  Whatever it is that turns you on, do those things.
2. I will add variety to our lovemaking.  The first step to banishing boredom in the bedroom is to add variety.  Novelty brings excitement.  It can be something as simple as making love in a place other than your bed.  You could try new positions, learn to give a sensual massage, or share your fantasies.
3. I will communicate openly and honestly with my partner about sex.  Sex is an area of our lives that makes us feel vulnerable.  This is one of the reasons it may be hard to talk to your partner about sex.  You don’t want to be rejected.  The thing is, your partner can’t read your mind.  If you don’t tell him what you like, how is he gonna know?  It is better to talk openly about sex, than to hold it in and let resentment build.
4. I am responsible for my own orgasm.  Many of you think that it is your partner’s responsibility to bring you to orgasm.  I believe that if you want an orgasm, have one.  That may mean teaching your partner where and how to touch you.  It may also mean stimulating yourself while having intercourse. 

Anyway you look at it, great sex is within your reach.  Take this time to make your sex life as great as you always dreamt it could be.

5 Ways to Romance the Holidays

It’s that time of year again: shopping, wrapping, Christmas parties, and relatives. It’s usually a very stressful time for most of us. We don’t have enough hours in the day to finish all of the work we have to do. The house needs to be decorated, the cookies need to be baked, and somehow, someway we need to remember that we have a family that needs to be tended to.

Don’t forget to turn to your partner for a little stress relief and relaxation. The Christmas season actually lends a helping hand in finding ways to be romantic, you just need to take the initiative. Here are my top 5 ways to find romance during the holidays.

Mistletoe
Hang mistletoe in the doorway of at least one room in your house. Remember to kiss every time the two of you are standing there together.
Christmas Carols
Put on your favorite Christmas music and hold your sweetie in your arms and dance in the kitchen, living room, dining room, bedroom, etc. You get the idea.
Holiday Lingerie
You have all seen it and maybe you already have some. I’m talking about the red velvet nightie with the white fur trim. It’s time to bring it out and play Santa’s Little Helper.
Christmas Lights
This is actually one of my favorite traditions of all time. It started in my family when I was a child. Every Christmas Eve after church, we would drive around town and look at all of the holiday decorations. It just really gives you a chance as a couple or as a family to spend time together getting into the spirit of the season.
Snuggle by the Fire
When all of the work is done, the presents are wrapped and the kids are in bed, relax with your sweetie. Turn the Christmas tree lights on, light a fire, and snuggle up on the couch.

Where Did The Passion Go?

Have you ever looked at your partner and wondered, “What happened to us”?  When you were first together, you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other.  Now, you don’t even get to sleep in bed without one of the kids sleeping with you.  This is the story of most of our lives.

The Beginning of Love

When you were first together, your body was being flooded with chemicals known as the “love cocktail”.  These chemicals cause you to feel a high every time you are thinking about your partner.  You get butterflies in your stomach and sweaty palms.  You want to be with each other at all times.

This also gives you a very high level of sexual arousal and desire.  All you want is sex, all you think about is sex.  It is very easy to be turned on.  You are very romantic to each other; very passionate.

It Wears Off

After about the 2 year mark, these chemicals wear off.  Everyone goes back to “normal”.  A low desire person goes back to wanting only occasional sex.  A quiet person stops talking so much.  Not everything is romantic anymore.

Keep the Passion Alive

The first step to keeping the passion alive is to make it a priority in your life.  If a HOT sex life is important to you, do what it takes to maintain it.  It is the job of both partners to keep the fire burning.  There are a lot of books, videos, classes, and workshops available to help you with this.

The second step is to become an expert in your partner’s arousal.  What turns him/her on?  Most of you think that after all of these years, you know what your partner needs.  This might not be the case.  It changes throughout our lives.  As we grow and change, so does our desire.  Begin by having a conversation with your partner about what turns him/her on.

Sex Frequency: What is Normal?

Many couples wonder how they rate in the sex department compared to other couples.  Are they having enough sex?  How many times per week should we be making love?

I have actually been asked this question so many times and the truth is, you need to figure out what is “normal” for you.  Almost every couple in the world needs to negotiate issues around sex.  You need to negotiate the frequency, the type of sex, the positions, etc. 

You need to remember that there are not too many people who talk openly about their sexual relationship.  You won’t always get the truth from your friends and your family.  People tend to exaggerate how often they have sex because they have certain beliefs about how often they “should” be doing it.

Sexual Statistics

• Happy, healthy couples have sex on average 2-3 times per month.
• 1-in-5 married couples have a non-sexual marriage.  This means that they are being sexual less than 10 times per year.
• Inhibited sexual desire affects 2-in-5 couples.  This is the most common sexual problem.
• By the age of 40, 90% of men experience at least one erectile failure.  This is very normal.

If you find yourself in any of these categories, know that you are completely normal.  Your sexual desire can change from time to time.  If you would like to increase the frequency of your sexual experiences, you can do that also.  I would recommend learning as much as you can about sexuality and how to keep it exciting throughout your lifetime.  If you need help, there are many sex therapists who specialize in rekindling desire. 

Holiday Sex Slump

This morning I was watching the TV show, “The View”.  They were discussing a phenomenon known as the Holiday Sex Slump.  Maybe you have heard of it, maybe you are one of the millions of people who suffer from this problem.  

What exactly causes this sex slump?  Why are some affected and others are not?  Do men also go through a time when sex isn’t on the top of their agenda?

Causes of the Slump

• Holiday Stress  I personally think that everything else can fall under this category.  You feel so much pressure during the holidays.
• Too much shopping  Gift giving has gotten out of control.  You need to be up at 4:00 am to get a good deal.  Who can fit sex into that schedule?
• Too much eating  Do you actually choose that extra slice of pie over sex or does eating too much cause you to feel bad about your body and thus you give up on sex?
• Relatives  Fighting with the family is a problem in many, many families.  Again this adds a lot of stress for people.
• Just feeling “Blue”  The holidays are a time when a lot of people suffer from depression.  We remember those that are not with us anymore and it can be a time of great sadness.

I think that in order to alleviate this “sex slump”,  you need to take a step back and simplify your life.  Take time out to recharge and rejuvenate.  You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on gifts.  You don’t need to say yes to every invitation.  Save some quality time for yourself and your loved one. 

Friends With Benefits: Good or Bad?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with one of your friends?  Really, who hasn’t thought about this?  Maybe you have seriously considered it, maybe you have even ventured into this area called, “friends with benefits“.

I have mulled this idea over in my own mind many times.  I do know quite a few people who have their own friend with benefits.  I have even been approached by my own friend looking for this type of relationship.  I personally know that I would end up in heartbreak.  Sexuality for me is such an intimate act that I wouldn’t be able to separate my emotions from my body.  Not everyone feels this way.  What is your opinion?

Pros for Friends With Benefits

• No strings attached sex.  Your itch gets scratched.
• You don’t have to worry about calling.  She’s not expecting it.
• No presents to buy, no families to meet.
• You don’t have to worry about getting hurt. (Major fear in relationships)

Cons for Friends With Benefits

• One person ends up wanting more and gets their heart broken.
• Women have a harder time separating their emotions.
• Feelings of being used can develop.
• Friendship and sex can end.

I think that this type of relationship is certainly a very personal decision.  You need to know yourself well enough to know how your heart will react.  Please, don’t become someones “friend with benefits” if you are wanting a real relationship with that person.  That is certainly a recipe for heartbreak.

Sex Before Marriage?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever waits to have sex until the wedding night anymore.  Is sexuality a gift you give to your spouse or is it something you give to anyone that you love?   What is your opinion?

Reasons to Wait

I think that there is something very special about giving yourself to only one person.  Knowing that you are giving your body, mind, and spirit is magical.  You could be his only lover and he could be yours.  You know that he won’t ever be comparing you to any other woman. You learn and you grow together.  Both of you need to be open to exploration and learning.

Reasons to Not Wait

Many men and women feel that it is not smart to wait until marriage.  You need to “test drive” your partner to know if you are sexually compatible.  If you don’t click sexually, you move on to someone else.  Hopefully you find someone that you are compatible with mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

Conclusion

In every relationship, the sex usually starts out amazing.  But with time, the passion can fade.  Both partners, regardless if you waited or not, need to be willing to try new things and to learn how to make sex better.  This is where commitment comes into the equation.

Sex Tips: Sharing Your Fantasies

Everyone fantasizes.  You do.  I do.  Your partner does.  The thing about fantasies is knowing when it is safe to act them out and when they should just stay in your mind. 

Women aren’t always comfortable with having fantasies.  As a woman, you are often taught that thinking about sex is wrong and that “good girls” don’t want sex.  This can be very confusing to women.  It can also make it difficult to share your thoughts with your husband. 

It is completely normal and natural for both men and women to fantasize about sex. 

 Some common fantasies are:

• Having sex in public.  If this is one of your fantasies, you need to be careful.  You need to be aware that you can be arrested for public sex. 
• Having a threesome.  This is a very common male fantasy.  If both partners are open to it and neither one is the jealous type, it could work.  BUT I want you to be aware that it can cause serious damage to a relationship.  Women worry that their husband will want the other woman more than he wants her.  Women also worry that the other woman’s body is better or that she is a better lover.  If there are any insecurities, this isn’t a good idea.
• Same sex fantasies.  Same sex fantasies are very normal for both men and women.  You may think about what it would feel like, how you would do it, etc.  This doesn’t mean that you have any gender identity issues, it just means you are curious.

All in all, fantasies are normal.  They are part of a healthy, happy sexual relationship.  Feel free to share your fantasies with your partner and maybe they will come true.

Sexual Variety

Variety is a very important part of your sexual relationship.  Variety will keep your sex life from becoming boring and predictable.  If you had your favorite meal everyday, you would get tired of that too. 

It is a good idea to try new ideas, new positions, and new places when making love.  Every guru around tells you to experiment and to be open sexually.  That doesn’t mean that you have to buy sex toys or invite someone new into your bed.  These things can be very far out of someones comfort zone.

Trying Something New

An easy way to bring variety into your love life is to make love in places other than your bed.  Remember when you were young and you made-out, half-dressed on the couch?  Try that again.  Make love in every room of your home.  Make love on the tumble dryer.  Steam up the windows of your car.  If you have children, you will need to use some creativity.

Another way to change things up is to buy a book of sexual positions.  If you are too shy to go to the bookstore, there are many on-line stores selling these books.  Find a few positions that look like fun.  Choose a new one each time you make love.  If you already have your favorite position, alternate with the new ones.

The third tip I have for you is to use a silk scarf or a man’s tie.  Either one of these items can be used as a blindfold for your lover.  Cover his eyes and explore his body.  Let him tell you what feels good and how he likes to be touched.

Use your imagination and have fun!

Sexual Inhibitions

Most couples have sexual inhibitions.  Inhibitions are the little things that hold you back from truly letting go and enjoying yourself.  The thing is, sexual inhibitions can be detrimental to your relationship.  You need to face them and let them go.

Common Female Inhibitions

1. Unhappy with the size or shape of her breasts
2. Uncertain about the smell or taste of her vagina
3. Believing her body isn’t sexy
4. Believing “good girls” don’t have oral sex

Common Male Inhibitions

1. Unhappy with the size of his penis
2. Believing he should “just know” how to satisfy his partner
3. Worrying that he will lose his erection
4. Worrying that he will ejaculate too soon

It is important to be open and honest with both yourself and your partner.  Once you can discover where your inhibitions come from, you can begin to let them go.  A healthy, happy sexual relationship is one in which both partners can enjoy it.