Relationship Resolutions

This is the time of year that we make resolutions in all areas of our lives.  We vow to lose weight, exercise, eat better, and quit smoking.  We tend to start the new year working diligently at our resolutions and somehow they end up falling by the wayside.

I am writing today about using your New Year’s Resolutions to help create a more loving relationship.  Here are a few ideas that you might choose to incorporate into your plans:

1. I will spend more time with my spouse.  Quality time is very important to any relationship.  You need to have time for just the two of you.  That is why “date night” has become so popular in our culture.  Get a babysitter and spend time alone rediscovering why you love each other.
2. I will be responsible for my own sexual desire.  It can be very frustrating to be in a relationship when your sex drives differ.  It is important to take charge of your own sexual desire.  What turns you on?  Is it thinking sexy thoughts to get you in the mood, reading steamy novels, or watching erotic films?  Do the things that make you feel sexy.
3. I will treat my partner with respect.  I bet you think that you already do.  I want you to take a deeper look at the way you talk to your partner.  Do you put him down?  Do you subtly tell her that you don’t believe in what she wants to do?  Do you laugh when he shares his dreams?  These are all ways of disrespecting your partner.  Turn it around and be his biggest fan and supporter.
4. I will put my relationship first.  Love needs to be nurtured.  Your lover needs to feel special.  When you have a choice to make, choose love.  Make sure your partner feels loved.

There are many more ideas for relationship resolutions.  These were just a few for you to consider.  Feel free to add your own.  Happy New Year!

5 Ways to Romance the Holidays

It’s that time of year again: shopping, wrapping, Christmas parties, and relatives. It’s usually a very stressful time for most of us. We don’t have enough hours in the day to finish all of the work we have to do. The house needs to be decorated, the cookies need to be baked, and somehow, someway we need to remember that we have a family that needs to be tended to.

Don’t forget to turn to your partner for a little stress relief and relaxation. The Christmas season actually lends a helping hand in finding ways to be romantic, you just need to take the initiative. Here are my top 5 ways to find romance during the holidays.

Mistletoe
Hang mistletoe in the doorway of at least one room in your house. Remember to kiss every time the two of you are standing there together.
Christmas Carols
Put on your favorite Christmas music and hold your sweetie in your arms and dance in the kitchen, living room, dining room, bedroom, etc. You get the idea.
Holiday Lingerie
You have all seen it and maybe you already have some. I’m talking about the red velvet nightie with the white fur trim. It’s time to bring it out and play Santa’s Little Helper.
Christmas Lights
This is actually one of my favorite traditions of all time. It started in my family when I was a child. Every Christmas Eve after church, we would drive around town and look at all of the holiday decorations. It just really gives you a chance as a couple or as a family to spend time together getting into the spirit of the season.
Snuggle by the Fire
When all of the work is done, the presents are wrapped and the kids are in bed, relax with your sweetie. Turn the Christmas tree lights on, light a fire, and snuggle up on the couch.

Marriage: What No One Ever Tells You

I’ve watched couple after couple get caught up in the excitement of the wedding day.  What will the dresses look like, what flowers are you having, are you going on  a honeymoon?  I myself got wrapped up in that one day, “the best day of your life”.

Yes, the wedding day is important and special and you want it to have a little bit of magic.  The problem that I see is that more attention is given to the wedding, than to what the wedding is symbolizing.  This special day is joining two people, two hearts, two lives.  There are certain things that I wish couples would understand.

• It’s not about the wedding day, it’s about every day after.  You will have a lifetime of special days, and some not-so-special days too.
• Marriage takes work.  Anyone that says marriage is easy is lying to your face.  There are going to be disagreements and there may be times that someone sleeps on the couch.  It is important to remember to get help before you let things build up and it is too late.
• Sex can get boring.  You know each other so well, you know what she likes.  To keep your love life sizzling and not fizzling, you need variety.  Try new positions, share your fantasies, talk a little dirty. 
• You actually have to live with this person.  This means that your negotiating skills will get a lot of practice.  You will need to work out things such as the toilet seat, squeezing the toothpaste from the top, and who does the household chores.
• This person has the power to hurt you.  In a relationship, you open up your heart to another human being.  Intimacy means that you show everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It means that you are vulnerable.  This vulnerability can bring you hurt, but it can also bring you the most joy that you have ever experienced in your life.

All in all, I just want you to be prepared for what is to come.  Marriage can be the most rewarding experience of your life.

Small Obstacles to Intimacy

When you fall in love, you are happy.  You spend every waking minute together.  You can’t keep your hands off of each other.  You spend hours talking and you never run out of things to say.  You feel heard, you feel understood.  So what happens to make this togetherness impossible to keep up?

Intimacy Obstacles

1. Fatigue – You are too tired because you are too busy.  You say yes to low priority events even though you want to say no.  You don’t make the relationship the #1 priority.  Taking better care of yourself will help this obstacle.  Start implementing a healthy lifestyle.  Set boundaries and stick to them.
2. Not enough time together.  It is a must to make time for each other.  You fall into the trap of being too busy and it destroys many relationships.  Work, hobbies, friends, and even children seem to come first.  You can beat this obstacle by making time together a priority.  Quality and quantity of time is important.  Experts agree that couples need to spend at least 10 hours per week together.  Make time without the kids.
3. Working on the marriage…tomorrow.  If you continue to find time for everything but the relationship, the wedge between the two of you will continue to grow.  My dad has a saying, “If you continue to do the same thing the next 5 years as you did the last 5 years, you will continue to get the same result”.  Make each other the priority and watch your marriage grow.  If you need help, get it now.  Don’t wait until it is too late.

Sweetheart Stealing

Have you ever been in love with someone else’s lover?  Have you tried to lure him/her away from their boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or spouse?  This is much more common than we all realize.  The famous 80’s song by Rick Springfield “Jesse’s Girl”, tells the story well,  longing for your friend’s girl, wondering what he has that you don’t.

The International Sexuality Description Project was conducted in 53 countries.  The psychologists polled 16,000 individuals in an attempt to understand this behavior.  Psychologists call this behavior “mate poaching” and it is common across all countries and cultures.  In fact, 20% of all long-term relationships started out this way.

This isn’t just about a short-term fling.  You can seriously fall in love with another man’s wife.  What do you do if this is the case?  Do you tell the woman or do you respect the bounds of matrimony?

I think that the respectful thing to do would be to wait.  If she is unhappily married, she will leave him eventually.  The thing is,  62% of men and 40% of women say that they have attempted to lure away someone else’s partner. 

What is your opinion on this?  Do you think that it is okay to “steal someones sweetheart“?  Does the end justify the means?  Let me know what you think.

Thank You For Loving Me

Today is a day to give thanks to your family, friends, and even to God for all of the wonderful things in your life.  I think that gratitude is a feeling that doesn’t get expressed enough in our relationships.  Expressing your gratitude to your spouse can really help to strengthen the bond that the two of you share.  What are you thankful for?

Here are a few things you might want to express to your spouse:

• Thank you for sharing your life with me.  Even when I am cranky and disagreeable.  Even when it would be easier to walk away. 
• Thank you for giving me our children.  Our family is the most important part of my life.  I love the fact that we have created this beautiful family.
• Thank you for supporting me.  Your encouragement and support mean the world to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life.
• Thank you for loving me.  Your love carries me through the tough times.  Your love is “home” to me.  I would choose you all over again.

Of course, feel free to use your own words to tell your partner that you love and appreciate him.  It is a good idea to take the time to let your partner know that he is special. 

Use Thanksgiving as a reminder to add this exercise of gratitude to your daily life.  Your relationship will thank you for it.

Fear of Love

Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner seems to be everything that you have ever looked for?  You click in every way; mental, emotional, and sexual.  Could this be your fairytale, your happy ending?

There is only one problem.  You are waiting for something to go wrong.  You are looking for reasons to run away.  You just know that you will be hurt. 

Fear of Being Hurt

When you have been hurt in the past, those old fears and feelings can be triggered by this new love.  It is a very big risk to open your heart again and allow yourself to be vulnerable.  This person has the ability to hurt you in ways that you can’t even imagine.  The reason that they have this power is because you love him/her.

Get Out of Your Own Way

Simply put, the only way to say it is you need to get out of your own way.  You need to stop allowing fear to control your life.  If you live from this place of fear, you will never find that happiness that you have been longing for.

If you are in a relationship, let it go to the next level.  Let it grow and develop.  If you are single, take a chance on someone.  Go out on a date, have fun.

If you never open your heart again, you will stay stuck in the past for the rest of your life.  Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith even if you don’t see the safety net. 

Love like you have never been hurt.

My Wife is Unhappy

A friend of mine loves to tell the story of his divorce to every man he meets.  He seems to think that he has it all figured out. 

The story goes like this:  If your wife ever tells you the three magic words, “I am unhappy”, you better pack up your stuff because the storm is coming.  At this point, he makes a joke of the divorce, but I know that he was very hurt and that he tried everything in his power to make it better.

What Does It Mean When She Says “I’m Unhappy”?

He had asked me “What does it mean when a woman says she is unhappy”?  In plain terms it means, She’s Unhappy!  In my professional opinion, it means that her needs aren’t being met in the marriage.

There could be any number of things that aren’t right for her in this marriage.  The only way that you are going to find out what she needs is to ask her.  I know that this can be something very scary, it can also make you feel as though you aren’t a good partner.  The truth of the matter is, when she tells you this, she is giving you a chance to correct the problem.

You need to find out what is missing.  Is it quality time together, words of appreciation, passion in your lovemaking?  If you aren’t able to work it out on your own, it is a good idea to find a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach to help.

Saying “I Love You”

How do you say I Love You?  Some people say it with words.  Some people say it with cards and flowers.  Still others say it with actions. 

Just as we all have our own way to say I love you, we all have our own way of feeling loved.  What should you do if your spouse doesn’t show you love the way you need them to?  An example is a wife that needs to hear her husband say he loves her.  She needs to hear him tell her the reasons for his love.  She needs to be told that he thinks she is beautiful.  She feels loved through words. 

Now, the husband loves her very much, but he doesn’t know how to express it in words.  He shows that he loves her by working hard to support their family.  The more he works, the more neglected and unloved she feels.  He wants them to have a good life and have the things they desire.  This is his love.

In order to have a successful marriage, you need to show love to your partner in the way in which they feel loved.  This is sometimes difficult.  You might need to step out of your comfort zone.  In the case of this husband, he would need to learn a new set of skills; emotional awareness and expression.  I know that it is scarey, but if you want your spouse to feel your love you need to first find out what says “I love you” to them.

Relationship Help: Feeling Close

Are you wondering why your lover feels so far away?  Do you just not feel close any more?  This happens at different times throughout the life of a relationship.  First and foremost, this needs to be seen as a reminder, a wake-up call to get back on track.  If you let this go on for too long, you will find yourself living as roommates, with no real intimacy between you. 

Steps to Feel Close Again

1. Start Talking.  I don’t mean daily chit chat.  I mean real conversation about your hopes and dreams.  Where do you want your life to go?  Who are you now at this point in your life?  What do you want to accomplish?
2. Spend Quality Time.  Couples need to spend at least 10 hours per week connecting.  I know that seems like a lot because everyone has jobs and kids, etc.  BUT if you want a great marriage, find the time.  Put the kids to bed early, get a babysitter for the night.  Find some time for love.
3. Touch Your Sweetheart.  Showing physical affection (holding hands, rubbing her back, etc)  releases something in your body called oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding chemical.  It makes you feel close to another person.

A healthy relationship needs to be nurtured.  It needs to be given time and attention.  When your relationship becomes your priority, just look at how great your life can be.