Holiday Sex Slump

This morning I was watching the TV show, “The View”.  They were discussing a phenomenon known as the Holiday Sex Slump.  Maybe you have heard of it, maybe you are one of the millions of people who suffer from this problem.  

What exactly causes this sex slump?  Why are some affected and others are not?  Do men also go through a time when sex isn’t on the top of their agenda?

Causes of the Slump

• Holiday Stress  I personally think that everything else can fall under this category.  You feel so much pressure during the holidays.
• Too much shopping  Gift giving has gotten out of control.  You need to be up at 4:00 am to get a good deal.  Who can fit sex into that schedule?
• Too much eating  Do you actually choose that extra slice of pie over sex or does eating too much cause you to feel bad about your body and thus you give up on sex?
• Relatives  Fighting with the family is a problem in many, many families.  Again this adds a lot of stress for people.
• Just feeling “Blue”  The holidays are a time when a lot of people suffer from depression.  We remember those that are not with us anymore and it can be a time of great sadness.

I think that in order to alleviate this “sex slump”,  you need to take a step back and simplify your life.  Take time out to recharge and rejuvenate.  You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on gifts.  You don’t need to say yes to every invitation.  Save some quality time for yourself and your loved one. 

Sweetheart Stealing

Have you ever been in love with someone else’s lover?  Have you tried to lure him/her away from their boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or spouse?  This is much more common than we all realize.  The famous 80’s song by Rick Springfield “Jesse’s Girl”, tells the story well,  longing for your friend’s girl, wondering what he has that you don’t.

The International Sexuality Description Project was conducted in 53 countries.  The psychologists polled 16,000 individuals in an attempt to understand this behavior.  Psychologists call this behavior “mate poaching” and it is common across all countries and cultures.  In fact, 20% of all long-term relationships started out this way.

This isn’t just about a short-term fling.  You can seriously fall in love with another man’s wife.  What do you do if this is the case?  Do you tell the woman or do you respect the bounds of matrimony?

I think that the respectful thing to do would be to wait.  If she is unhappily married, she will leave him eventually.  The thing is,  62% of men and 40% of women say that they have attempted to lure away someone else’s partner. 

What is your opinion on this?  Do you think that it is okay to “steal someones sweetheart“?  Does the end justify the means?  Let me know what you think.

Friends With Benefits: Good or Bad?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with one of your friends?  Really, who hasn’t thought about this?  Maybe you have seriously considered it, maybe you have even ventured into this area called, “friends with benefits“.

I have mulled this idea over in my own mind many times.  I do know quite a few people who have their own friend with benefits.  I have even been approached by my own friend looking for this type of relationship.  I personally know that I would end up in heartbreak.  Sexuality for me is such an intimate act that I wouldn’t be able to separate my emotions from my body.  Not everyone feels this way.  What is your opinion?

Pros for Friends With Benefits

• No strings attached sex.  Your itch gets scratched.
• You don’t have to worry about calling.  She’s not expecting it.
• No presents to buy, no families to meet.
• You don’t have to worry about getting hurt. (Major fear in relationships)

Cons for Friends With Benefits

• One person ends up wanting more and gets their heart broken.
• Women have a harder time separating their emotions.
• Feelings of being used can develop.
• Friendship and sex can end.

I think that this type of relationship is certainly a very personal decision.  You need to know yourself well enough to know how your heart will react.  Please, don’t become someones “friend with benefits” if you are wanting a real relationship with that person.  That is certainly a recipe for heartbreak.

Thank You For Loving Me

Today is a day to give thanks to your family, friends, and even to God for all of the wonderful things in your life.  I think that gratitude is a feeling that doesn’t get expressed enough in our relationships.  Expressing your gratitude to your spouse can really help to strengthen the bond that the two of you share.  What are you thankful for?

Here are a few things you might want to express to your spouse:

• Thank you for sharing your life with me.  Even when I am cranky and disagreeable.  Even when it would be easier to walk away. 
• Thank you for giving me our children.  Our family is the most important part of my life.  I love the fact that we have created this beautiful family.
• Thank you for supporting me.  Your encouragement and support mean the world to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life.
• Thank you for loving me.  Your love carries me through the tough times.  Your love is “home” to me.  I would choose you all over again.

Of course, feel free to use your own words to tell your partner that you love and appreciate him.  It is a good idea to take the time to let your partner know that he is special. 

Use Thanksgiving as a reminder to add this exercise of gratitude to your daily life.  Your relationship will thank you for it.

Sex Before Marriage?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever waits to have sex until the wedding night anymore.  Is sexuality a gift you give to your spouse or is it something you give to anyone that you love?   What is your opinion?

Reasons to Wait

I think that there is something very special about giving yourself to only one person.  Knowing that you are giving your body, mind, and spirit is magical.  You could be his only lover and he could be yours.  You know that he won’t ever be comparing you to any other woman. You learn and you grow together.  Both of you need to be open to exploration and learning.

Reasons to Not Wait

Many men and women feel that it is not smart to wait until marriage.  You need to “test drive” your partner to know if you are sexually compatible.  If you don’t click sexually, you move on to someone else.  Hopefully you find someone that you are compatible with mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

Conclusion

In every relationship, the sex usually starts out amazing.  But with time, the passion can fade.  Both partners, regardless if you waited or not, need to be willing to try new things and to learn how to make sex better.  This is where commitment comes into the equation.

Lessons Learned from “The Bachelor”

This week millions of us watched as Bachelor Brad chose to walk away from two women.  We hoped that he would find his true love.  Many of you have your own opinions on who he should have chosen, why he didn’t choose, and what kind of man that makes him. 

I, personally, respect him for walking away if he didn’t find a true connection with either woman.

Here are 5 lessons to be learned from watching “The Bachelor“:

1. Recreational dating is good.  Recreational dating is when you date many people at once to find out what it is you are looking for.  This is meant to be fun and to help you narrow down your search in finding someone to date exclusively.
2. Emotional involvement with 2 or more people isn’t wise.  When you begin to develop real feelings for someone, it is smart to only be involved with one person.  Otherwise, you get too confused and you can’t make a choice.
3. Rejection isn’t always about you.  When someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean that you are unattractive, unlovable, or a bad person.  It simply means that this person isn’t right for you.
4. When one door closes, another one opens.  You will never find your soul mate if you are in a relationship with the wrong person.  Sometimes rejection is just what you need to be able to find the right person for you.
5. Follow your heart.  No matter what the outcome, you need to follow your heart.  Bachelor Brad knew himself well enough to know that neither one of these women were right for him. 

Fear of Love

Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner seems to be everything that you have ever looked for?  You click in every way; mental, emotional, and sexual.  Could this be your fairytale, your happy ending?

There is only one problem.  You are waiting for something to go wrong.  You are looking for reasons to run away.  You just know that you will be hurt. 

Fear of Being Hurt

When you have been hurt in the past, those old fears and feelings can be triggered by this new love.  It is a very big risk to open your heart again and allow yourself to be vulnerable.  This person has the ability to hurt you in ways that you can’t even imagine.  The reason that they have this power is because you love him/her.

Get Out of Your Own Way

Simply put, the only way to say it is you need to get out of your own way.  You need to stop allowing fear to control your life.  If you live from this place of fear, you will never find that happiness that you have been longing for.

If you are in a relationship, let it go to the next level.  Let it grow and develop.  If you are single, take a chance on someone.  Go out on a date, have fun.

If you never open your heart again, you will stay stuck in the past for the rest of your life.  Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith even if you don’t see the safety net. 

Love like you have never been hurt.

My Wife is Unhappy

A friend of mine loves to tell the story of his divorce to every man he meets.  He seems to think that he has it all figured out. 

The story goes like this:  If your wife ever tells you the three magic words, “I am unhappy”, you better pack up your stuff because the storm is coming.  At this point, he makes a joke of the divorce, but I know that he was very hurt and that he tried everything in his power to make it better.

What Does It Mean When She Says “I’m Unhappy”?

He had asked me “What does it mean when a woman says she is unhappy”?  In plain terms it means, She’s Unhappy!  In my professional opinion, it means that her needs aren’t being met in the marriage.

There could be any number of things that aren’t right for her in this marriage.  The only way that you are going to find out what she needs is to ask her.  I know that this can be something very scary, it can also make you feel as though you aren’t a good partner.  The truth of the matter is, when she tells you this, she is giving you a chance to correct the problem.

You need to find out what is missing.  Is it quality time together, words of appreciation, passion in your lovemaking?  If you aren’t able to work it out on your own, it is a good idea to find a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach to help.

Saying “I Love You”

How do you say I Love You?  Some people say it with words.  Some people say it with cards and flowers.  Still others say it with actions. 

Just as we all have our own way to say I love you, we all have our own way of feeling loved.  What should you do if your spouse doesn’t show you love the way you need them to?  An example is a wife that needs to hear her husband say he loves her.  She needs to hear him tell her the reasons for his love.  She needs to be told that he thinks she is beautiful.  She feels loved through words. 

Now, the husband loves her very much, but he doesn’t know how to express it in words.  He shows that he loves her by working hard to support their family.  The more he works, the more neglected and unloved she feels.  He wants them to have a good life and have the things they desire.  This is his love.

In order to have a successful marriage, you need to show love to your partner in the way in which they feel loved.  This is sometimes difficult.  You might need to step out of your comfort zone.  In the case of this husband, he would need to learn a new set of skills; emotional awareness and expression.  I know that it is scarey, but if you want your spouse to feel your love you need to first find out what says “I love you” to them.

Relationship Help: Feeling Close

Are you wondering why your lover feels so far away?  Do you just not feel close any more?  This happens at different times throughout the life of a relationship.  First and foremost, this needs to be seen as a reminder, a wake-up call to get back on track.  If you let this go on for too long, you will find yourself living as roommates, with no real intimacy between you. 

Steps to Feel Close Again

1. Start Talking.  I don’t mean daily chit chat.  I mean real conversation about your hopes and dreams.  Where do you want your life to go?  Who are you now at this point in your life?  What do you want to accomplish?
2. Spend Quality Time.  Couples need to spend at least 10 hours per week connecting.  I know that seems like a lot because everyone has jobs and kids, etc.  BUT if you want a great marriage, find the time.  Put the kids to bed early, get a babysitter for the night.  Find some time for love.
3. Touch Your Sweetheart.  Showing physical affection (holding hands, rubbing her back, etc)  releases something in your body called oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding chemical.  It makes you feel close to another person.

A healthy relationship needs to be nurtured.  It needs to be given time and attention.  When your relationship becomes your priority, just look at how great your life can be.