Stop Reacting

We have all been in this situation before.  Your spouse says he has to work late and can’t make the plans that you had.  Maybe he is missing date night or maybe he is missing something more important like your anniversary or family party.  His exact words are “Honey my boss is making me stay to finish this project and I won’t get home until late.  I’m sorry“.

The problem is that you heard something completely different.  You heard, “Honey I don’t love you and you aren’t important to me”.  You feel hurt and unloved and when he gets home there is going to be World War III.

How to Stop Reacting

It is completely normal to have an emotional reaction.  After-all, we are emotional beings.  The trick is to learn how to sift out the emotions and hear the truth in his words.  The truth is that he never once said that he didn’t love you.  He never once said that you weren’t important to him.

How can you begin to feel better about this situation?  First, you need to take a step back and ask yourself some questions.

1. Is it true that he is rejecting me?  Absolutely not.  It is not his choice to work late, it is his job.
2. Am I stupid for feeling rejected?  No, you are naturally emotional.  Sometimes, you just need to separate emotions from the reality of the situation.
3. Who would I be without the feeling of rejection and hurt?  I would be more secure in myself and in our relationship.  I would be without panic and anxiety.
4. What can I look forward to?  I can look forward to seeing him when he gets home.  We will just have to plan something extra-special when he isn’t working.

If we can just take the emotion out of the situation and look at it from a different angle, it usually doesn’t seem so grim.  Your partner most likely isn’t hurting you on purpose.   Give him the benefit of the doubt and see how your relationship thrives.

Infatuation

Infatuation is that magical time at the beginning of a relationship when everything is perfect.

Characteristics of Infatuation

During this time, you feel as though the two of you were made for each other.  You think that God truly made this person for you.  Everything about him is perfect and nothing ever bothers you.

You stay up for hours just talking and you never run out of things to say to each other.  You can’t believe that you finally found your soul mate.  All this time, you have been looking and you finally found him.

You know that it must be real love because you have never felt this way before.  You have such love, admiration, and desire for this person.  The sex is absolutely amazing, it is truly a spiritual connection.

The thing about infatuation is that it eventually wears off.  The infatuation stage of love is caused by the chemicals in your body reacting to the chemicals in your partner’s body.  This biological connection is what we call “chemistry“.  The bigger the difference in your DNA from his, the stronger the chemistry.

Infatuation is Necessary

There is actually a very good reason to have the infatuation stage of love.  This creates a strong foundation of love for the relationship.  You create wonderful memories and good feelings that you can look back on fondly.  This love will help you weather the ups and downs of a life together.

You need to remember that eventually the infatuation will wear off.  This is when the real relationship begins.  You will see your partner for who he really is.  Now you can begin to create the life and love that you have always wanted.

Sensual Marriage

Sensuality is an often forgotten about aspect of a relationship. It is the emotional part, the feelings, the connection between you and your partner. Your relationship tends to suffer when you focus on sexuality to the exclusion of sensuality. The top 3 ways to preserve your sensuality are:

Make the Time
Sensuality comes from time spent together. Remember when you were dating, you planned special time together. Dating relationships are full of sensual moments.

Protect Time From Conflict
You need to realize that you can have conflict-free zones in your marriage. Your sensual time together needs to be free of fighting.

Pay Attention to Sensuality
Both men and women long for more touch in their relationships. Non-demand, non-sexual touch is very important. Hugging, kissing, massage, and cuddling are all good examples.

Is Your Husband Normal?

The Question

I want sex a lot more than my husband does.  What is wrong with him?  Don’t men always want sex?  Is it normal for a man to have a low sex drive?

 

The Answer

You probably have stereotypes of what men and women are like when it comes to anything, especially sex.  Men want it all the time.  Women never want sex, they only use it to get what they want, etc. 

 

The truth is that our sex drive is determined by the hormone testosterone.  We learned in school that boys have the hormone testosterone and girls have estrogen.  The truth is that girls also have testosterone.  When we grow up and become men and women, this hormone regulates sexual desire. 

 

These stereotypes exist because the majority of men have a high level of testosterone in their bodies.  2/3 of all men have a very high sex drive.  That leaves 1/3 of all men with moderate to low sexual desire.  On the other hand, 2/3 of all women have a low level of testosterone in their bodies, resulting in low sexual desire.  1/3 of women have a very high sex drive.

 

As you can see, it is very easy to be paired up with someone with differing desire levels.  Neither desire level is right nor wrong.  Normal is simply what the majority is like.  Whatever either one of you are, is normal for you.  The goal is to find a compromise to please both partners. 

The Stages of Love

 One of the things that we all need to know about love is that there are very predictable stages that every love goes through.  The stages of love are fluid and you can find yourself moving back and forth from stage to stage.  All couples go through these stages unless they end up divorcing.  Healthy couples learn their lessons and overcome obstacles presented in every stage.  

Infatuation Stage

            The first stage of love is called the Infatuation Stage or Romantic Love Stage.  This is when the two of you first meet and fall in love.  It can last anywhere from six weeks to two years.  This is when you believe that you have found your prince charming.  Everything about him is perfect.  All of his habits are cute.  You believe that he was truly made for you.  There is actually a physiological cause of this behavior.  The reason is that this man actually has the opposite DNA of you.  When you meet someone that is a DNA match to you, your body is flooded with chemicals.  These chemicals are called the “Love Cocktail”.  They are the chemicals that cause you to feel happy, excited, and they cause you to have a high sexual desire. 

 

            There is a very logical reason for the infatuation stage of love.  All of this biology causes us to see our partners with rose-colored glasses.  We spend every waking minute together, we never run out of things to say, and we are willing to lose sleep to have amazing sex.  This stage of love is meant to bond us together so that we can weather the ups and downs of a life together.  It builds a strong foundation for a relationship.

 

The Power Struggle

            The second stage of love is called the Power Struggle.  This is when the rose-colored glasses come off.  You pull away from each other because you need space.  You can no longer sustain the relationship you had earlier.  You need to focus on other responsibilities and frankly, you need sleep.  You can’t stay up all night having sex anymore.  You are all of a sudden aware that you are different and those differences seem to be magnified.  You seem to have nothing in common and all of his quirky behaviors that you use to think were so cute are now just annoying.

 

            Again, there is a very good reason for this stage.  It satisfies our need for freedom and autonomy.  We need to learn who we are as individuals and who we each are within the relationship.  Couples need to learn that being together is a choice and not a need.  They need to accept that differences are normal.  They need to relate to each other as whole people, learn to fight fairly, and to create a safe haven for the expression of differences, anger, and conflict.  Even though this stage is no fun, it is necessary.

  Anger Stage

            If the couple wasn’t able to negotiate their way through the power struggle, and they didn’t end up divorced, they usually end up in the anger stage.  The couple just gives up fighting.  They don’t give up on their issues; they just don’t want to struggle anymore.  Anger can look one of two ways:  obvious and mean or quiet and passive.  Either way, it is there.  This stage begins when the power struggle has gone on way too long.  The couple is burnt out because their needs haven’t been met in such a long time.  There is no joy in this stage.  One or both partners are depressed and affairs tend to happen now.

 

Peace with a Price

            Without help in the anger stage, the couple moves to Peace with a Price.  Even the anger eventually dies.  The couple seems to be living in peace, but there is no real intimacy or emotion between them.  They simply live parallel lives in the same home.  They talk about the necessary things in day to day life such as the children and what to have for dinner.  Again, affairs are very common in these relationships. 

 

Emotional Intimacy

            The third stage of a healthy love relationship is Emotional Intimacy.  If you were able to negotiate the power struggle, you end up here.  The main task at this time is to begin to enjoy each other again.  The power struggle was exhausting and now it is time to rest.  Couples need to learn to use laughter and humor to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom by sharing activities, fun, and friends.  The power struggle highlighted your differences, so now you need to make a point of finding activities and friends that are interesting to both of you.  If you don’t do this, feelings of boredom, not being connected, and having nothing in common can occur.

 

            Another task of this stage is to establish a rich and satisfying sexual relationship.  The couple needs to learn to keep it protected and important without letting work and family interfere.  This is a great time in your life to explore each other, to experiment, and truly get to know each other’s sexual likes and dislikes.  Sharing your fantasies, experimenting with games and toys, and learning what truly arouses yourself and your partner are extremely important in keeping your passion alive. 

 

Bliss Stage

            The fourth and final stage of love is called the Bliss Stage or Mature Love Stage.  At this point, you have made it through the power struggle and you have learned to accept each other for who you are and to enjoy each other’s company.  You have made a conscious decision to love each other and to be committed to each other.  You now need to balance time for yourself, time for your partner, time for us, and time for the community. You move out into the world as a team to move beyond the relationship.  You are confident in doing this because your relationship is strong and you have learned to weather the ups and downs of love.

Emotional Needs

Recently I was asked by a man I know, “What does it mean when your wife says that she is unhappy?”  In plain terms, it means that she’s UNHAPPY!  In my professional coaching opinion, it means that her needs are not being met in the marriage.  Not attending to your spouse’s needs can easily lead to divorce.  It can also leave the door open for someone else to meet her needs.  We each have our own individual set of needs.  A few examples of physical and emotional needs are:

1. Food, Shelter, Clothing  These are your physical needs.  Most of us have these met.  These aren’t really the needs that we talk about when we say that we are unhappy.
2. Affection  Non-sexual affection is extremely important for couples and often overlooked.  This refers to holding hands, kissing, hugging, or stroking each other’s hair.  During non-sexual affection, oxytocin is released in our bodies.  This is the bonding chemical.  It makes us feel safe, loved, and close to our partner.
3. Attention  Relationship experts agree that you need to give your partner your undivided attention.  Truly listening and being able to read between the lines is a must.  Try turning off the TV or radio and instead tune in to your partner.  To keep love strong, you need 10 to 15 hours of quality time per week with your spouse.
4. Appreciation  Everyone, man or woman, needs to hear the three magic words, “I Love You”.  We need to feel like we are doing things right.  Tell your partner all of the things that you appreciate about him/her and do it often.
5. Conversation  Many times in long-term relationships, the conversation gets boring.  Sometimes, there is no conversation at all.  You need to continue to be interested and interesting.  Conversation is one of the reasons you fell in love in the first place.

Affairs: Cause or Effect?

My boyfriend cheated on me.  My wife had an affair with her co-worker.  We have all heard these sad stories of betrayal.  In most situations, the relationship ends.  What I really want to know, is the affair the cause of the breakup or the effect of something else wrong in the marriage?

Cause

Some affairs happen simply because there is the opportunity for it to happen.  An example can be a one-night stand.  There is no connection except for a drunken encounter.  Many, many people in love have had this type of affair.  It means nothing to the person cheating and it can cause damage that takes years to repair. 

Another type of affair is the once-per-year meeting.  Maybe you attend the same conference annually.  Again, it is only about sex.  There is no love involved.  You can still love your spouse and have a happy family and not even consider leaving.  This can also end a marriage, easily.

Effect

Now, the other type of affair is the one that you don’t go looking for.  It just happens.  I’m certainly not condoning this behavior, because we all make our own decisions.  The thing is, if you are unhappily committed and your needs aren’t being met, it is easy for this to happen.  Someone starts to pay attention to you and make you feel loved and special.  This leads to an emotional connection which leads to a physical and sexual connection.  These affairs can go on for years or they can cause you to leave your spouse.  This is definately an effect of a bad marriage. 

What are your thoughts on the subject? 

He Only Touches Me When He Wants Sex

Ladies, have you ever felt this way?  Your boyfriend or husband only touches you when he wants sex? 

The Scenerio

There are so many women in the world who feel this way on a regular basis.  The reason for this is that every time he touches you he does want sex.  When a woman feels this way, it has a very negative effect on the relationship.  It begins the avoidance cycle.  This cycle is very damaging for a couple’s sex life. 

The woman begins to avoid any situations that would involve getting close to her man.  Examples would be:  going to bed before or after he does, sitting on a different piece of furniture while watching TV, changing your clothes when he isn’t in the room.  She feels like he is going to “pounce” on her the minute he gets the chance.

The Solution

The solution to this is to experience non-sexual affection.  This includes holding hands, rubbing your wife’s back, stroking her hair, anything that doesn’t lead to intercourse.  Try giving your wife a kiss and a hug and walking away.  Don’t make any move that would make her think you want sex. 

You need to do this repeatedly and regularly.  She will begin to warm up and respond to you.  She will begin to feel close to you again.  Non-sexual affection releases a chemical called oxytocin.  This is the bonding chemical.  It is released in women every time their partner shows them loving affection. 

Try this and see what affect it has on your marriage.  Stop the avoidance cycle before it ruins your marriage.

Soul Mate Unions

In my previous post, “Soul Mate Love”, I talked about the different types of soul mate relationships.  They can be friendships or they can be romantic relationships.  You undoubtedly know when you are in one.  You have that instant rapport and you feel that the two of you were brought together for a specific reason.

Many times people will feel that they have met their soul mate, but they are miserable.  Maybe they are no longer together and they don’t understand why.  If this is you, please remember that every person that is brought into your life is here to teach you something. 

We all have a human side as well, we have free will.  Sometimes our human side gets in the way of our karmic path.  Your soul mate can choose to be apart from you for a number of reasons, including:

• Choosing to ignore the connection due to fear of working through their “stuff”.
• Already being joined to someone else and the pain that leaving would cause outweighs the love they could share.
• Needing time to figure out the other issues in their life to be ready for you.

I want you to remember that you also have free will.  You can choose to wait for the person that you feel is your soul mate or you can move on.  If you are truly meant to be together, you will be.  Your partner will have a realization that he/she is meant to be with you. 

If you choose to move on, remember, you will have a second chance.  Your soul mate is here to offer you a chance to learn and to grow.  If you don’t take the chance this time, you can always take it the second time around.

Commitment: It’s In Your Attitude

What exactly is commitment?  How do you define a committed relationship?  Can you be committed in fact, but not in attitude?  This is an area of relationships that can be somewhat gray.  I always thought it was black and white, until a few years ago.

Committed in Fact

There are certain ways that you can tell if your relationship is committed:

• Neither one of you is dating anyone else.
• You have had a formal ceremony (i.e. wedding).
• Friends & family recognize that you are committed.
• Promises that are made are kept.

Committed in Attitude 

You know that you are committed in attitude, when you believe that there isn’t an “out”.  When the going gets tough, you get a therapist.  You stay and you make it work.

Committed in Fact, but not in Attitude

When you are married but you are not sure if this marriage is right for you, you are in this situation.  You still feel like you can change your mind.  The problem with being committed in fact, but not in attitude is that you never truly can make the marriage work.  If it is ever going to work, you need to be 100% sure that you want it to work 

This is where I have found myself at some points in my life. ( I know that I am in this relationship, but maybe it isn’t what I want anymore.  I have grown and changed and I have had to decide if I had outgrown the relationship.)  This is a tough place to be.  The decision takes a lot of courage and strength.  Once you make the decision, the true growth can begin, no matter what you choose.