Sexual Resolutions for the New Year

Yesterday I wrote about resolutions that you can use to create a more loving relationship.  Today I would like to focus on one specific topic affecting all relationships:  sexuality.

Take a look at your sex life with your partner.  Is it everything that you want it to be?  Is there some part that you think could use a little improvement?  Here are a list of  resolutions that you might make for your own sex life.

1. I will take responsibility for my own sexual desire.  It is important to know what things create desire in yourself.  What turns you on?  Do you think sexy thoughts about your partner to get in the mood?  Do you like to read steamy novels or watch erotic films?  Whatever it is that turns you on, do those things.
2. I will add variety to our lovemaking.  The first step to banishing boredom in the bedroom is to add variety.  Novelty brings excitement.  It can be something as simple as making love in a place other than your bed.  You could try new positions, learn to give a sensual massage, or share your fantasies.
3. I will communicate openly and honestly with my partner about sex.  Sex is an area of our lives that makes us feel vulnerable.  This is one of the reasons it may be hard to talk to your partner about sex.  You don’t want to be rejected.  The thing is, your partner can’t read your mind.  If you don’t tell him what you like, how is he gonna know?  It is better to talk openly about sex, than to hold it in and let resentment build.
4. I am responsible for my own orgasm.  Many of you think that it is your partner’s responsibility to bring you to orgasm.  I believe that if you want an orgasm, have one.  That may mean teaching your partner where and how to touch you.  It may also mean stimulating yourself while having intercourse. 

Anyway you look at it, great sex is within your reach.  Take this time to make your sex life as great as you always dreamt it could be.

Relationship Resolutions

This is the time of year that we make resolutions in all areas of our lives.  We vow to lose weight, exercise, eat better, and quit smoking.  We tend to start the new year working diligently at our resolutions and somehow they end up falling by the wayside.

I am writing today about using your New Year’s Resolutions to help create a more loving relationship.  Here are a few ideas that you might choose to incorporate into your plans:

1. I will spend more time with my spouse.  Quality time is very important to any relationship.  You need to have time for just the two of you.  That is why “date night” has become so popular in our culture.  Get a babysitter and spend time alone rediscovering why you love each other.
2. I will be responsible for my own sexual desire.  It can be very frustrating to be in a relationship when your sex drives differ.  It is important to take charge of your own sexual desire.  What turns you on?  Is it thinking sexy thoughts to get you in the mood, reading steamy novels, or watching erotic films?  Do the things that make you feel sexy.
3. I will treat my partner with respect.  I bet you think that you already do.  I want you to take a deeper look at the way you talk to your partner.  Do you put him down?  Do you subtly tell her that you don’t believe in what she wants to do?  Do you laugh when he shares his dreams?  These are all ways of disrespecting your partner.  Turn it around and be his biggest fan and supporter.
4. I will put my relationship first.  Love needs to be nurtured.  Your lover needs to feel special.  When you have a choice to make, choose love.  Make sure your partner feels loved.

There are many more ideas for relationship resolutions.  These were just a few for you to consider.  Feel free to add your own.  Happy New Year!

5 Ways to Romance the Holidays

It’s that time of year again: shopping, wrapping, Christmas parties, and relatives. It’s usually a very stressful time for most of us. We don’t have enough hours in the day to finish all of the work we have to do. The house needs to be decorated, the cookies need to be baked, and somehow, someway we need to remember that we have a family that needs to be tended to.

Don’t forget to turn to your partner for a little stress relief and relaxation. The Christmas season actually lends a helping hand in finding ways to be romantic, you just need to take the initiative. Here are my top 5 ways to find romance during the holidays.

Mistletoe
Hang mistletoe in the doorway of at least one room in your house. Remember to kiss every time the two of you are standing there together.
Christmas Carols
Put on your favorite Christmas music and hold your sweetie in your arms and dance in the kitchen, living room, dining room, bedroom, etc. You get the idea.
Holiday Lingerie
You have all seen it and maybe you already have some. I’m talking about the red velvet nightie with the white fur trim. It’s time to bring it out and play Santa’s Little Helper.
Christmas Lights
This is actually one of my favorite traditions of all time. It started in my family when I was a child. Every Christmas Eve after church, we would drive around town and look at all of the holiday decorations. It just really gives you a chance as a couple or as a family to spend time together getting into the spirit of the season.
Snuggle by the Fire
When all of the work is done, the presents are wrapped and the kids are in bed, relax with your sweetie. Turn the Christmas tree lights on, light a fire, and snuggle up on the couch.

Where Did The Passion Go?

Have you ever looked at your partner and wondered, “What happened to us”?  When you were first together, you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other.  Now, you don’t even get to sleep in bed without one of the kids sleeping with you.  This is the story of most of our lives.

The Beginning of Love

When you were first together, your body was being flooded with chemicals known as the “love cocktail”.  These chemicals cause you to feel a high every time you are thinking about your partner.  You get butterflies in your stomach and sweaty palms.  You want to be with each other at all times.

This also gives you a very high level of sexual arousal and desire.  All you want is sex, all you think about is sex.  It is very easy to be turned on.  You are very romantic to each other; very passionate.

It Wears Off

After about the 2 year mark, these chemicals wear off.  Everyone goes back to “normal”.  A low desire person goes back to wanting only occasional sex.  A quiet person stops talking so much.  Not everything is romantic anymore.

Keep the Passion Alive

The first step to keeping the passion alive is to make it a priority in your life.  If a HOT sex life is important to you, do what it takes to maintain it.  It is the job of both partners to keep the fire burning.  There are a lot of books, videos, classes, and workshops available to help you with this.

The second step is to become an expert in your partner’s arousal.  What turns him/her on?  Most of you think that after all of these years, you know what your partner needs.  This might not be the case.  It changes throughout our lives.  As we grow and change, so does our desire.  Begin by having a conversation with your partner about what turns him/her on.

Marriage: What No One Ever Tells You

I’ve watched couple after couple get caught up in the excitement of the wedding day.  What will the dresses look like, what flowers are you having, are you going on  a honeymoon?  I myself got wrapped up in that one day, “the best day of your life”.

Yes, the wedding day is important and special and you want it to have a little bit of magic.  The problem that I see is that more attention is given to the wedding, than to what the wedding is symbolizing.  This special day is joining two people, two hearts, two lives.  There are certain things that I wish couples would understand.

• It’s not about the wedding day, it’s about every day after.  You will have a lifetime of special days, and some not-so-special days too.
• Marriage takes work.  Anyone that says marriage is easy is lying to your face.  There are going to be disagreements and there may be times that someone sleeps on the couch.  It is important to remember to get help before you let things build up and it is too late.
• Sex can get boring.  You know each other so well, you know what she likes.  To keep your love life sizzling and not fizzling, you need variety.  Try new positions, share your fantasies, talk a little dirty. 
• You actually have to live with this person.  This means that your negotiating skills will get a lot of practice.  You will need to work out things such as the toilet seat, squeezing the toothpaste from the top, and who does the household chores.
• This person has the power to hurt you.  In a relationship, you open up your heart to another human being.  Intimacy means that you show everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It means that you are vulnerable.  This vulnerability can bring you hurt, but it can also bring you the most joy that you have ever experienced in your life.

All in all, I just want you to be prepared for what is to come.  Marriage can be the most rewarding experience of your life.

Small Obstacles to Intimacy

When you fall in love, you are happy.  You spend every waking minute together.  You can’t keep your hands off of each other.  You spend hours talking and you never run out of things to say.  You feel heard, you feel understood.  So what happens to make this togetherness impossible to keep up?

Intimacy Obstacles

1. Fatigue – You are too tired because you are too busy.  You say yes to low priority events even though you want to say no.  You don’t make the relationship the #1 priority.  Taking better care of yourself will help this obstacle.  Start implementing a healthy lifestyle.  Set boundaries and stick to them.
2. Not enough time together.  It is a must to make time for each other.  You fall into the trap of being too busy and it destroys many relationships.  Work, hobbies, friends, and even children seem to come first.  You can beat this obstacle by making time together a priority.  Quality and quantity of time is important.  Experts agree that couples need to spend at least 10 hours per week together.  Make time without the kids.
3. Working on the marriage…tomorrow.  If you continue to find time for everything but the relationship, the wedge between the two of you will continue to grow.  My dad has a saying, “If you continue to do the same thing the next 5 years as you did the last 5 years, you will continue to get the same result”.  Make each other the priority and watch your marriage grow.  If you need help, get it now.  Don’t wait until it is too late.

Sex Frequency: What is Normal?

Many couples wonder how they rate in the sex department compared to other couples.  Are they having enough sex?  How many times per week should we be making love?

I have actually been asked this question so many times and the truth is, you need to figure out what is “normal” for you.  Almost every couple in the world needs to negotiate issues around sex.  You need to negotiate the frequency, the type of sex, the positions, etc. 

You need to remember that there are not too many people who talk openly about their sexual relationship.  You won’t always get the truth from your friends and your family.  People tend to exaggerate how often they have sex because they have certain beliefs about how often they “should” be doing it.

Sexual Statistics

• Happy, healthy couples have sex on average 2-3 times per month.
• 1-in-5 married couples have a non-sexual marriage.  This means that they are being sexual less than 10 times per year.
• Inhibited sexual desire affects 2-in-5 couples.  This is the most common sexual problem.
• By the age of 40, 90% of men experience at least one erectile failure.  This is very normal.

If you find yourself in any of these categories, know that you are completely normal.  Your sexual desire can change from time to time.  If you would like to increase the frequency of your sexual experiences, you can do that also.  I would recommend learning as much as you can about sexuality and how to keep it exciting throughout your lifetime.  If you need help, there are many sex therapists who specialize in rekindling desire. 

Holiday Sex Slump

This morning I was watching the TV show, “The View”.  They were discussing a phenomenon known as the Holiday Sex Slump.  Maybe you have heard of it, maybe you are one of the millions of people who suffer from this problem.  

What exactly causes this sex slump?  Why are some affected and others are not?  Do men also go through a time when sex isn’t on the top of their agenda?

Causes of the Slump

• Holiday Stress  I personally think that everything else can fall under this category.  You feel so much pressure during the holidays.
• Too much shopping  Gift giving has gotten out of control.  You need to be up at 4:00 am to get a good deal.  Who can fit sex into that schedule?
• Too much eating  Do you actually choose that extra slice of pie over sex or does eating too much cause you to feel bad about your body and thus you give up on sex?
• Relatives  Fighting with the family is a problem in many, many families.  Again this adds a lot of stress for people.
• Just feeling “Blue”  The holidays are a time when a lot of people suffer from depression.  We remember those that are not with us anymore and it can be a time of great sadness.

I think that in order to alleviate this “sex slump”,  you need to take a step back and simplify your life.  Take time out to recharge and rejuvenate.  You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on gifts.  You don’t need to say yes to every invitation.  Save some quality time for yourself and your loved one. 

Sweetheart Stealing

Have you ever been in love with someone else’s lover?  Have you tried to lure him/her away from their boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or spouse?  This is much more common than we all realize.  The famous 80’s song by Rick Springfield “Jesse’s Girl”, tells the story well,  longing for your friend’s girl, wondering what he has that you don’t.

The International Sexuality Description Project was conducted in 53 countries.  The psychologists polled 16,000 individuals in an attempt to understand this behavior.  Psychologists call this behavior “mate poaching” and it is common across all countries and cultures.  In fact, 20% of all long-term relationships started out this way.

This isn’t just about a short-term fling.  You can seriously fall in love with another man’s wife.  What do you do if this is the case?  Do you tell the woman or do you respect the bounds of matrimony?

I think that the respectful thing to do would be to wait.  If she is unhappily married, she will leave him eventually.  The thing is,  62% of men and 40% of women say that they have attempted to lure away someone else’s partner. 

What is your opinion on this?  Do you think that it is okay to “steal someones sweetheart“?  Does the end justify the means?  Let me know what you think.

Friends With Benefits: Good or Bad?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with one of your friends?  Really, who hasn’t thought about this?  Maybe you have seriously considered it, maybe you have even ventured into this area called, “friends with benefits“.

I have mulled this idea over in my own mind many times.  I do know quite a few people who have their own friend with benefits.  I have even been approached by my own friend looking for this type of relationship.  I personally know that I would end up in heartbreak.  Sexuality for me is such an intimate act that I wouldn’t be able to separate my emotions from my body.  Not everyone feels this way.  What is your opinion?

Pros for Friends With Benefits

• No strings attached sex.  Your itch gets scratched.
• You don’t have to worry about calling.  She’s not expecting it.
• No presents to buy, no families to meet.
• You don’t have to worry about getting hurt. (Major fear in relationships)

Cons for Friends With Benefits

• One person ends up wanting more and gets their heart broken.
• Women have a harder time separating their emotions.
• Feelings of being used can develop.
• Friendship and sex can end.

I think that this type of relationship is certainly a very personal decision.  You need to know yourself well enough to know how your heart will react.  Please, don’t become someones “friend with benefits” if you are wanting a real relationship with that person.  That is certainly a recipe for heartbreak.